Last week, my 102 year-old grandma who I love dearly passed away. I am French and all my family lives in France while I live in San Francisco, California. The funerals were to happen in the South West of France. I was faced with this dilemma: going or not going?
All the “rational” facts were in favor of me not going and it “made sense” for me NOT to go. Only six days earlier, I was back from a trip to France to see my grandma at the hospital. The trip to France is long –24 hours door to door–, tiring –9-hour time difference–, and expensive –at least 1,700 USD. Without even thinking I could have the choice to go or not to go, I had settled not to go. I was telling myself and others: “I just can’t go.” My head was ruling the show. It just didn’t “made sense” to go. Every time I was thinking about the funerals and imagining everyone being there except me, it was breaking my heart, but I was thinking I did NOT have the choice. It was just NOT possible for me to go.
Then, two days before the funerals, on Wednesday around 1pm PST, I was on the phone with my aunt. Since I “could” not go (or so I thought), I asked her to describe in details how the ceremony would unfold, so that I could at least “be there” in imagination. As she was describing one after another the details of the ceremony, I was feeling my heart breaking piece by piece, until I could not hold it any longer and I burst into tears. I let my tears come out and tell me what they had to say. My heart was totally broken at the thought of everybody going, except me. And the thought of me staying in San Francisco, in a foreign environment from my native country, without any family member around me to share my grief with became unbearable. My heart was talking and it was talking loud and clear. It wanted to go. Fifteen minutes into the call, suddenly, it became clear to me that I had to go and I wanted to. The voice of my heart was so loud and clear that I could not ignore it any longer. The interferences of my head and rational mind were all gone. The purity of my inner voice came out. My decision was made; I would go and I would assume the consequences of my choice. My desire was so clear that my schedule would have to be cleared to give space to it, whatever was on my schedule. My heart desire was a priority. I hanged up the phone and one hour later, my flight ticket for France was booked. At 7pm that day, I left home and at 9:45pm, I was on the plane for Paris. When your desire is clear, the decisions and actions unfold organically.
It was one of the best decision I have made. After I made it, I felt relieved, light, and happy. I could not stop smiling. My body was telling me that the decision was right. My head was saying it’s crazy, but my body was telling me this is what you have to do. and my heart wanted it. It is because I let my emotions come out and I listened to them that I could hear the true desire of my heart, through the chatter of my mind covering up my authentic inner voice. And I did not regret it. Once at the funerals, I knew that was where I had to be.
Your heart and body have wisdom that your mental does not. Listen to your heart. it knows best. Don’t let your rational mind rule what you truly desire, deep down.
Your heart is your compass. The more you listen to its authentic message, the more your life will be fulfilling, meaningful, and nourishing.